Guilt in the Time of Pandemic

In this crazy year, I feel guilty for the things I’m doing and also for the things I’m not doing. Guilt, of course, is a good Catholic emotion. Though my non-Catholic friends tell me it’s part of their tradition as well.

These days, we’re made to feel blameworthy about everything. Advertisers work on our guilt to push their products. Politicians and protesters try to shame us if we don’t follow the party line exactly—whichever line our party has adopted. And in the pandemic, there is much to worry about—Are we doing enough? Are we doing too much? Worry prompts more guilt.

Here are some of the things I’m feeling guilty for:

For ordering online. My old keyboard quit on me (I spilled a little Diet Coke on it—it continued to type for a few weeks longer, but the injury was ultimately fatal.) In normal times, I would have dashed to the closest office supply store and replaced it. Instead, I ordered a new one online. By also ordering file folders, which my husband needed, I spent enough to get the keyboard and folders delivered to my home without shipping charges. But think of the waste—someone had to fill the order, ship it, deliver it, all so I didn’t have to leave the comfort of my home. Guilt over my ecological failings.

For not ordering online. I go to the grocery store about every two weeks. I tried ordering groceries online, but I didn’t like the loss of control over substitutions. Instead, I don my mask, wipe down my cart, and hope I don’t bring home any virus particles. Actually, now that the supply chain is mostly back in place, maybe I should try ordering online again. But I like getting out of the house. Guilt over valuing control over safety.

For canceling the house cleaning service. When Kansas City shut down in March, I stopped our house cleaning service. If I couldn’t leave home, why should I have people come into my home? The service didn’t shut down, but they didn’t feel like essential workers to me. I’m able-bodied enough to clean, even if I prefer to pay money for others to do it. But this was the employees’ livelihood. And the owner was a small business that depended on its regular customers. Guilt over not continuing their service.

For resuming the house cleaning service. Let’s just say I didn’t clean as well as the service did. So when the shut-down order ended, I resumed the cleaning service. But now the workers and my husband and I potentially expose each other to the virus every two weeks. We vacate the rooms they are cleaning to maintain social distance, but who knows? More guilt.

For going to Pilates. After the local YMCA reopened in June, I began attending my Pilates class again. But every time I go, I wonder if I should be there. There are only three or four participants in a room designed for fifty. It’s easy to keep socially distant. I bring my own mat, though I do use the gym’s and my instructor’s equipment. I scrub down the equipment, but am I thorough enough? Guilt over exposing myself—and therefore my husband—when I could exercise at home or take a walk in the neighborhood.

For not going to church. I read that large indoor gatherings are the worst places to be. Particularly when there is singing. But if I go to the gym, shouldn’t I be going to church? Particularly when my parish has made a big deal about social distancing and limiting attendance. The bishop continues to dispense the faithful from Mass attendance, but does that justify my skipping church while going to the gym? I went to one daily service, and that felt all right (though I haven’t been again). So shouldn’t I be going back to church on Sunday? I can see my parents rolling over in their graves, which increases my guilt.

The list goes on and on. I feel guilty for using services I’ve never felt I needed before, for avoiding services I’ve used for decades, for creeping back to normal activities, for avoiding other normal activities, and for simply wanting my old life back.

I feel guilty because I know I have it easier than many. I have the luxury of making my own decisions about what to do and what not to do. I do nothing that any governmental agency would say is essential, and maybe that makes me feel guiltiest of all.

What are you feeling guilty for these days?